Men's Fitness: Leave the Wining to Whores!

Posted by The Wine Whore |

I get what they're trying to do, help people become less scared of wine, but boy did they miss the mark. Men's Fitness, in this recent article, has decided to help dudes learn about wine... the wrong way! "Five Ways to Spot a Good Wine" should have been titled "Five Ways to Waste Your Time".

Here's where they screwed up what would have otherwise been helpful to guys hoping to get intimate with the grape:

Check Out the Backside
Unless you're looking for junk in the trunk, the typical neophyte of wine isn't going to find anything useful here except a bunch of marketing info and lame tasting notes.

"Oh, casis blueberry, tobacco, and turds!? That sounds like MY kind of juice! Much better than bottle #2 over here that tastes like casis, blueberry, dirt, and turds!"

My advice to Men's Fitness - Teach people HOW to read the back of a bottle of wine! Don't just send them there to aimless search for something without telling them what things to look for... that's like telling a blind man into a room and asking him to turn on the lights.

Scent of Attraction
I love this statement:
"Chances are, the more you smell, the better the wine may taste"

Really?! What if I smell cow manure, or bum? Does that mean I've found a rare bottle of Lafite? How about telling people the aromatic qualities of wine that indicate flaws or how to tell when a bottle has gone bad without having to taste it. Unless you're training to be the next Robert Parker wannabe, that'll get you much farther.

Use Your Tongue
Most people who are new to wine say one thing:
"All I taste is wine"

Okay, I have to admit that this is probably the best section out of the entire article. No, really! But that's not saying much. They still fail to tell people HOW to taste the differences in wine or even what to look for.

Get its Digits
Do you really think that Johnny goes to Publix heading over to his dates house for dinner looking for a $500 aged Bordeaux wine? And I doubt he's doing much research on what vintages and regions to buy... we're probably just lucky if Johnny invests enough time to pick up a pack of condoms, much less learns the last 20 years of vintage info.

My advice:
Focus on the condoms... Chances are, ALL of the $10-$15 bottles of wine are young and can be enjoyed immediately, much like your premature ejaculation. Don't waste your time learning vintages... spend more time finding solid bottles of wine that you can pick up in a pinch at the local supermarket on your way to your hot date.

Embrace What You Really Like
It's hard to screw up this advice... YES, people should embrace what they like and try different things. That's great advice. But what they should also mention is that you can't judge a region or type of wine based solely on ONE bottle. I've seen so many people that say they hate "this" type of grape or "that" region because they tried one lousy corked, crappy ass bottle ten years ago that was given to them by their brother who stored his wine on his back patio. I mean seriously, don't just embrace trying different things. Embrace, trying ALL things!

Wine Tip: Screw It!
This is my favorite section because of one statement:
"A screw cap doesn't mean the wine is cheap, it means the winery is committed to quality."

Huh?! I'm all for screwcaps, but "committed to quality"? Really? How do you figure? I would seriously like someone to help explain this leap of faith to me!


Look people, the moral of this story is that articles about tasting and learning about wine are great, but only if they have USEFUL and FACTUAL information to actually help the everyday person looking to learn about wine. Articles like this not only prevent people from understanding more about wine, they ultimately create pretentious snobs who spend more time focusing on which bottle of wine is in their cellars than who they will be sharing the next bottle with.

... and now I'm spent! :)


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drinknectar said...

I took the article the other way. I appreciated the effort to get muscle bound mutants down the wine aisle to seduce their thong wearing, silicone hotties with wine!

Of course all of there references were sexual. I guess my overall stance is 'whatever it takes to get more people drinking more wine'

BUT, you do make some valid points -really, check out the back side and get their digits...who's writing this, a 14 year old pre-wet dream teenager.

The Wine Whore said...

LOL! Maybe it's just the holiday season getting me pissed off and stressed out...

I do like any article that tries to gets more dudes into wine, and I LOVE the sexual references, but I just wish they used better info when it came down to explaining wine.

I am hoping that an editor had his way with this article and molested the original version.

Nathan Bonilla-Warford, OD said...

Yeah, well, I just dislike Men's Health. That's all I have to say.

The Wine Whore said...

LOL! Nate, you rock! :)

Richard Auffrey said...

I think you are dead on with your comments. I appreciate the sentiment of the article, trying to get men to drink wine, but it certainly could have used far more factual and really useful info. It was as if the article was dumbed down, thinking their readers would not understand anything more than that,.

The Wine Whore said...

EXACTLY! I am all for dumbing down this type of info, especially considering the audience... but the least the could have down was not totally neutered the important stuff!

Hmmm... wonder if anyone from Men Fitness has any thoughts on this....


Richard Auffrey said...

They even offer some seemingly contradictory advice.

They state: "When you find one you like, stick to it."

But then they tell you to "Explore the world of wine."

So do you stick to what you like, or try lots of different wines?

The Wine Whore said...

LOL! It's funny you mention that because when I first read it I was very confused... I get what they are trying to say, but man are they sending conflicting messages!

What do you think people should do? I say try different stuff!

Richard Auffrey said...

I fully agree with you. People should always try new things because they never know what wines they might enjoy. Drinking the same wines all the time is boring!

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