Top Ten Reasons Not to Fly

Posted by The Wine Whore |

Aside from wicked jetlag, a bad hangover, and a minor case of the swine flu, I am glad to finally be back home. Nothing beats that moment when you finally arrive home, open the front door and welcome back a whining cat, piles of laundry, and mountains of email messages. Well, there is only one other part of traveling that matches the excitement of returning to the mundane: flying.

Here are the top ten reasons why you should NOT fly this holiday season:

    10) Layovers - No, I do NOT want to wait six hours in Newark, NJ much less some crappy airport whose biggest claim to fame is its collection of overpriced Chinese made shot glasses and t-shirts. Do you REALLY think I want to remember being in your city for six hours, let alone tell my friends about it when I get home?

    9) Airport food - The most money you'll ever spend to eat with plastic forks and knives. I don't care how much they try to make these utensils look real, you'll know you're eating with plastic as soon as your fork breaks in half when trying to stab a cold, wilted, sad excuse for a french fry they also tried to pawn off on you.

    8) Overnight flights - People who sleep on planes must be either really drunk or just enjoy being tortued. My feet may be falling asleep from lack of circulation, but there is no other part of my body that is capable of doing this while sitting up. Pass me the bottle!

    7) Screaming children - Need I say more?

    6) Screaming adults - I'd rather be barfed on by the toddler two rows over than have to listen to some a-hole next to me yell at the flight attendant. Dude, you've already had eight packets of peanuts... give it a rest!

    5) Airplane food - Apparently the FDA neglects governing any food served over 1000 feet in the air. This is by far the worst free food you will ever be offered. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the food you pay for is any better either. It just costs more.

    4) Customs Bag Check - I am convinced that this part of traveling is a ploy to get people to pay $5 for one of those luggage carts. Oh yeah, this is also the part of where you can collect worthless illegible stamps in your passport book. Talk about high-tech... With all of technology available today, we are using stamps to track people? Really?

    3) Security checkpoints - How come I need a body cavity search if I can still get a cigarette lighter on-board by leaving it in my pocket? Don't believe me? Try it for yourself.

    2) Airplane bathrooms - Am I alone on this one? No matter how many times I do it, I am still always scared that I'll get sucked out of the plane every time I have to flush one of these shoddy airplane toilets. Also, should I really be washing my hands with something that isn't safe to drink?

    1) Delays - I've only had this happen a few times yet it always seems to happen when I absolutely MUST catch my connecting flight. My advice: plan for the worst. If it's your honeymoon or some other important event, leave plenty of time between connecting flights. After all, this will give you more time to enjoy #9 and #10.

(This message brought to you by The Wine Whore)

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Rachele said...

Welcome home!

Air travel aside, I can't wait to hear about all the great wine and food you enjoyed during your trip. Swine Flu? Really? Hope you got that on the flight home and it didn't impact you actual trip.


Joeshico said...

Welcome home Randy. Glad you enjoyed your flight.
I see you chose one of the better airlines, some are far worse. Believe me!
Can't wait to hear about the wines.

The Wine Whore said...

Thank you for the warm welcome! It feels so good to be back in my own bed!

Luckily I didn't get sick until the night before we were to fly home. I blame it on running out of vitamins two days prior.

I usually seem to have travel problems when I take Delta. This time I tried to take NWA instead, but little did I know that the two airlines had merged into one ultra crappy conglomerate.

As for the wine, this trip changed a lot of the way that I see French and US wine. I have a lot to say about it. I wanted to post this top ten first while I catch up on email and laundry. Next week, I'll post the videos, thoughts, pics, etc! :)


Innovative Wine said...

Nothing beats a layover in Newark! I once watched a program on how they make airline food. If you get a chance to see it, don't. You may never fly again.

Looking forward to the pics and stories.


The Wine Whore said...

That's for sure! I had a four hour layover in Newark coming home. The good news was that there was a VinoVolo not too far from my gate... the bad news, I felt so lousy, I couldn't even drink. I am always in the mood for a glass of wine or even a beer... can you imagine how crappy I must have felt if I wasn't up for a drink?

I will certainly make sure NOT to watch that video... despite the fact that it sounds tempting, I do hope to travel again sometime... just maybe not for at least a couple months.


tampawinewoman said...


After an early walk with the dog (who apparently doesn't know that it's Sunday), I decided to finally catch up on some internet stuff. So . . . pot of French pressed coffee in front of me, I jump into the fray that is the internet.

OMG this piece made me laugh till I cried. To quote the bailiff "Selma" from "Night Court" . . . "I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me." Nice work!! and Welcome Home.

The Wine Whore said...

Hello tampawinewoman!

It feels great to be home! I am also a big fan of Night Court and French pressed coffee... you have excellent taste!


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